How to Find a Good Marriage Therapist
You are likely visiting this site because your marriage is in pretty rough shape!
And that means you are facing an awful decision, whether to stay in your marriage or to leave it.
But how can you know for sure that seeking professional guidance for your marital problems will really make things better.
Here are some guidelines that will help you should you seek professional help to improve your marriage.
1) Training, Expertise, Qualifications and Experience
Make sure your therapist has received specific training and is experienced in marital therapy.
Marital therapy requires very different skills than doing individual therapy.
Individual therapists usually help people identify, process feelings and solve personal problems.
They assist you in achieving personal your goals.
Couples therapists, on the other hand, need to be skilled at helping people overcome the differences that naturally occur when two people live under the same roof.
They need to know what makes marriage tick.
A skilled and effective individual therapist is very different than a good marital therapist.
Ask your therapist about his or her training, expertise, qualifications and experience.
2) Goals and Objectives
Make sure your therapist is biased in the direction of helping you find solutions to your marital problems rather than helping you leave your marriage when things get rocky – see the two articles on “choosing a good therapist” in this section.
Feel free to ask him or her to give you a ballpark figure about the percentage of couples he or she works with who leave with their marriages intact and are happier as a result of therapy.
Note: At KCI 93% of all couples that work with Gary remain in their marriage, happily so!
3) Impartial and Empathetic
A good therapist will make you feel comfortable and respected and will have the expertise to guide you through the labyrinth that has become your life.
A good therapist will help you feel that he or she understands your perspective and feelings.
Impartiality is a must!
If your therapist sides with you or your spouse, that’s not good.
No one should feel ganged up on.
A good therapist will make it easy for you to tell them if you aren’t comfortable with something – like the therapist not setting a deadline to make a decision about your marriage.
4) Values and Personal Style
The therapist’s own values about relationships definitely play a part in what he or she is able to accomplish when working with you.
Since there are few universal rules for being and staying in love, if your therapist insists that there is only one way to have a successful marriage, find another therapist.
Also, although some people think that their therapists are able to tell when a person should stop trying to work on their marriage, therapists really don’t have this sort of knowledge.
If they say things like, “It seems that you are incompatible,” or “Why are you willing to put up with this?” or “It is time to move on with your life,” they are simply laying their own values on you.
Not good.
5) Results and Time Table
Make sure you (and your partner) and your therapist set concrete goals early on – and when you can expect to meet those goals.
If you don’t, you will probably meet each week with no clear direction – and feel even more frustrated.
Once you set goals, you should never lose sight of them.
If you don’t begin to see some progress within two or three sessions, you should address your concern with your therapist.
Note: Having counselled troubled marriages for over 30 years, at KCI, after 4 weeks couples stop arguing entirely and stabilize their relationship after 5- 7 weeks.
6) Can Your Marriage Be “Fixed”?
Most marital problems are solvable.
No therapist can tell you that change is impossible.
But with proper guidance, people are capable to doing great things – especially for people they love.
Most of all trust your instincts.
If your therapist is helping, you’ll know it.
If he or she isn’t, you’ll know that too.
Don’t stay with a therapist who is just helping you tread water.
Find one who will help you swim.
7) Five Questions To Ask When Interviewing A Marital Therapist
1) “Can you describe your background and training in marital therapy?”
If the therapist is self-taught or workshop-trained, and can’t point to a significant education in this work, then consider going elsewhere.
2) “What is your attitude toward salvaging a trouble marriage versus helping couples break up?”
If the therapist says he or she is “neutral,” or “I don’t try to save marriage, I try to help people” look elsewhere.
I’d also run if the therapist says he or she does not believe in divorce.
3) “What is your approach when one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage and the other wants to save it?”
If the therapist responds by focusing only on helping each person clarify their personal feelings and decisions, consider looking elsewhere.
4) “What percentage of your practice is marital therapy?”
Avoid therapists who mostly do individual therapy.
5) “Of the couples you treat, what percentage would you say work out enough of their problems to stay married with a reasonable amount of satisfaction with the relationship.”
“What percentage break up while they are seeing you?”
“What percentage do not improve?”
“What do you think makes the differences in these results?”
If someone says “100%” stay together, then you should be concerned, and if they say that staying together is not a measure of success for them, you should also be concerned.
8) Referrals
Finally, the best way to find a good therapist is word-of-mouth.
Satisfied clients say a lot about the kind of therapy you will receive.Although you might feel embarrassed to ask friends or family for a referral, it may help you to consider doing it anyway.
It increases the odds you’ll find a therapist who will really help you and your spouse.
So don’t give up on therapy, give up on bad therapy.
You be the judge.
There’s a lot to be gained from seeking the advice of a third party who can help you find solutions to the complicated issues that plague marriage these days.
By the way, at KCI referrals from previous clients are available upon request.
Good luck.
Editorial Comment:
Can All Marriages Be Saved?
No.
I wish I could answer, “Yes,” but the reality is “No, they can’t.”
There are undeniably some people who feel that whatever their spouses do to change themselves, it is too little, too late.
But over 30 years of experience as a specialist in marital therapy has taught me that even the most difficult marriages can be saved.
Some people in relationships that are plagued with severe problems such as chronic infidelity or substance abuse manage to do what they must in the eleventh hour to turn things around.
On the other hand, other people with only minor, petty problems end up calling it quits.
It is very difficult to identify those who will make it from those who won’t in advance.
However, three characteristics usually identify if a marriage will survive.
1. Is there any desire at all to salvage the marriage?
2. Does the couple have the basic wherewithal to master the concepts and skills we discuss in the therapeutic process?
3. Are they well intentioned?
You should know though, that 99% of the people who come to KCI have relationships that are teetering on the brink of divorce – there are affairs, separations, or divorces that have already been filed for – and that after therapy many of these relationships not only survive, they flourish.
Whether in marriage counselling sessions or during our telephone marriage coaching process, although we know that not all marriages can be saved, we approach yours with the belief that you will beat the odds.
Why?
Several reasons.
1) We understand the devastation divorce leaves in its wake – especially for children.
2) We also understand how important it is to you to know that, regardless of the end result, you have tried everything humanly possible.
3) And finally, helping you create a plan to deal with your current crisis will give you peace of mind, something that will come in very handy during the weeks, months that follow.
In fact, even when a relationship can’t be saved, the vast majority of people in those relationships have told us that the advice and support they received from Gary saved their sanity and enables them to end their marriage as amicably as possible..